I've picked up a new habit/obsession in recent weeks that pertains to the current state of politics in America, as pathetic as that is. You see, I'm trying to find out for sure whether or not I actually am a jinx on anything that I vocally support. Think of it as an experiment in quantum possibilities; do I change things as they happen, or am I simply moving myself into an alternate possible reality? And if you really need to know, I've been a very vocal supporter of Hillary Clinton's. Superstitious, I know. But it's not like I've had anything else to do with my life.

Baseball games are next, I'm sure. Though that doesn't mean I'll be watching baseball games anytime soon, as my entire theory depends on not observing events at all because -- according to my crackpot theory -- the moment I observe something I'm instantly locked into that possibility. However, the more I ignore the more possibilities are in the air. Perhaps that's the secret of the 'home team advantage'... all those observers locking in favorable realities for their team. Though I don't quite know how television cameras factor in all this.

Anyway, I've done pretty well so far; the more enthusiastic I force myself to be for Hillary Clinton (And boy is that difficult!) the more she tanks. Which is great for me because for once I'm off the hook. No more compromising for me; I just have to come out and whole-heartedly support to worst, absolute evil of all possibilities and thereby transfer my terrible jinx upon it.

That said, I haven't left this town in about four months. It's starting to wear on me... the routine of it all. Every single nook and cranny of this place has been observed and quantum-locked into its current state. I live in a place where all possibilities have been exhausted and things are simply just the way they are -- the way they've always been, or so I've been told. My curse is simply knowing of more possibilities than those around me, and this, too, is the cause of my obsessions. What can go wrong? Where is that going? What if were to be surrounded right now by thugs and knifed in the back? That could happen, of course, and if I move one step off my path I will let it happen. And every person that enters my life is also caught up in my web of causality; even if they so much as breath the air I exhale they're in it for life. Then they spread this web across the Earth and I'm sure every one who reads these words has touched at least one of my causality-webbed victims, absolutely. They all probably lost money and stump their toes more often after running into me.

If you could theoretically grasp every single causality web in the universe, you could predict the future. How far ahead in the future is all dependent upon Free Will, and whether or not it even exists. Perhaps the more we know about how things are the less free we're likely to be. For example, what would a person who knew the consequences of any single action do? Would he be free to choose in favor of pain and consequence? Or would he simply live out his life by filling in the spaces between dots. Caged of course, but at least free from guilt.

But of course I don't really know, no-one does. However, I have had time to think through the possible consequences of every action -- far too much time, if you ask me. In essence, I've locked myself upon one particular path by observing too much about myself. Perhaps this is just the underlying cause of cynicism; nothing can ever change for the cynic because he's locked himself into a particular sequence of causality. Or perhaps I'm just crazy now, and that's that. Just trying to cling on to any sense of mystery and wonder in a universe that gets duller by the day...

Then again though, my silly idea isn't really about mystery at all. Instead, it's about how mystery gets completely expunged from our lives, and a way for me to explain my faltering convictions about free will. I don't think I really think that free will exists in the universe as it is today. Not for life such as ours, you see, because of all the shit that happened before this very moment. Things happened that caused you to happen and that will make you cause other things to happen. My notion of the causality webs we all have is slightly misleading -- what I really mean is that we are products of a localized web of causality, and in turn what happens to those around us is heavily influenced by our presence. This is what we'd call 'luck', though I prefer 'a distinct pattern of causality'.

For example, let's say that thousands and thousands of years ago your ancestors got caught up in a web of causality that promoted the likelihood of events that are positive for human life in general. Then they as a consequence of an infinitely complex sequence of events always seemed to acquire more food than otherwise equal individuals, and escaped danger while others died young, so on and so forth. Then you would be caught up in a pattern of events that's much more likely to give you a better life. But then again, it's probably more likely that you're caught up in a mix of different webs, and the interference patterns create the entirety of your existence. Yea, makes sense...

This is same kind of logic we use to understand why certain places are bad, such as 'the bad part of town'. Why is the 'bad part of town' the way it is? Because of all the events that happened before that created this great pocket of negativity. Surely it's the endeavor of every denizen to attempt to extricate himself from the causality of such a place. One could of course could hope to try, and I wouldn't advise against it either because there's hope if the center of the misfortunate web is not yourself. However, those who are the center of their own bad luck are truly hopeless because every action they take is part of that pattern. For the very nature of their actions only deepens their misfortune.

When you play a game of Tetris, the very single first piece you put down affects the rest of the game, no matter how long the game lasts. Just because we're not smart enough to be able to deduce what the first piece was doesn't mean it wasn't there or doesn't affect every single piece that comes after. And even though thousands upon thousands of pieces may come, they're still greatly influenced by that very first one because the placement of other pieces was affected by it's type and position. So on and so forth... my life may very well have been decided by the movement of a couple molecules when the universe was young.

And dammit, I'm on a luckless streak. If this is my luck when I do nothing, I'd hate to see my luck if I acted at all. For example, right now my mind is clearer than its been in months. Perhaps I could do a great many important things in the next few days, if something didn't interfere with that. But then, even as I write this, I begin to feel that distinctive scratchiness in my throat that means I'm most likely coming down with influenza. One week of misery to replace one week of productivity. This is how my life works, and this is why I come up with crazy ideas like this. Whenever I seem to improve my condition somehow an event occurs to delay my ascent. Often it seems as though I can feel the forceful assertion of my causality web as if it had physically snared my arms and legs and bound me to this particular life. Then again, I don't expect anyone to believe this crap. I've come unraveled a bit in recent months, I'll admit it.

Now I resort to mystical thinking, as I've always done when stressed. Perhaps it's only this stess that has opened myself up to this awful virus. Man, I would really hate to be wrong this time, because if I am there's no explanation whatsoever for why I'm getting sick now. And if there's no explanation then there's nothing for me to root for and then jinx. Just like how I may have -- crazy, I know -- sunk Hillary Clinton by reluctantly hinging my hopes and dreams on her (Hehe). Though now I may have reversed that jinx by mentioning my plans, but I doubt it. For the sake of the experiment, my hopes and dreams are still hinged on Hillary. If by some crazy chance this plan of mine works, I'll start rooting for all sorts of horrible things. I'll have to start cheerleading cancer and AIDs, just to jinx them. Oh yea, and I'll also cheer for influenza, tomorrow and tonight, because it doesn't hurt to try.

That's all for now, I suppose. I felt like I needed to write something a little more hopeful after that last very depressing journal. Now for me to go and be sick for awhile. Who knows how long I'll be sick before writing another journal. And that means goodbye for now.